Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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