I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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