the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
