when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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