I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
