Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
