Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
