i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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