feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
