i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
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