there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
