I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
