life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
