I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
