I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
