So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
