...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
