Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
