highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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