we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
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you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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