just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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