we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
