I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
