Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
