Can Purell be used as lube?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
