also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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