Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I fill condoms, not promises.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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