So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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