I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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