I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
