I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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