Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
