My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
