I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
