He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
