When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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