I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
