You're a womanizer and a bitch.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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