my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
