she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
