I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach