Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
