Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
