oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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