Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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