that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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