I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
