dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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