How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
