hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
