I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
