He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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