saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
