Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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