apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
