I just found puke in my bra..
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
