i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
