I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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