I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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